NBA

Space Jam: United States Versus the Universe


Written by: Joshua A. Guelda – Staff Writing Intern (@JAGbaggage)

I think we can all agree that it’s only a matter of time before the aliens muster up enough courage to revisit planet earth. Rumors continue to circulate, leaving many to believe their arrival will be before year’s end.

Not if, but when this happens they will inevitably demand a rematch in some hoops after getting dismantled by Michael Jordan and the Toon Squad back in ’96.

Before you hide your wife, kids and livestock, you can take comfort in knowing that we won’t take this lying down. They had their chance and have seemingly forgotten the golden rule…

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Fast forward 20 years later and the extraterrestrial creatures are finally back for revenge. Makes sense — you can’t get completely emasculated in front of all mankind and not have some sort of response. Sure, it was two decades ago, but that’s not the kind of loss you ever really get over. How were they ever supposed to go about their extravagant alien lives, when on quite literally the world’s biggest stage, you show up and get annihilated by Michael Jeffrey Jordan and his closest friends. Humbling experience to say the least.

Yes, the game has evolved. No, it’s not nearly as physical as it once was. You think the aliens care? I don’t think so. We have to assume they are going to play like their families are being held hostage and will be executed unless they return victorious.

That being said, let’s prepare for a game where Prison Ball rules apply. No whistles for hand-checks, illegal screens, or block/charge discrepancies. Straight up, first to 11, by any means necessary. Although, dick checks are strictly prohibited, sorry Draymond..

So once again their master plan is to descend upon us and threaten our existence in a do-or-die, winner-take-all cage match. With MJ now out of the picture, who are we to turn to?

AND NOWWW…

At guard, standing 6’3 from Davidson University, Steph Curry.

Steph’s lights-out shooting, along with his creative ball handling and passing abilities, make him an easy selection. His quick release and high arching shot will bode well in this otherworldly showdown. The beauty of his game is that one second the alien defender may think he has him contained, the next he’s been put in a blender and shredded by a 205-pound babyfaced assassin. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him. Is it a plane, is it a bird — no it’s just another one of Steph’s 3-point layups from the parking lot. Run for your lives, it’s Point Guardzilla!

Remember when Steph drained this game-tying, three-point shot over Anthony Davis and the entire Pelicans squad to force an improbable overtime period with his eyes closed? Yeah, so do I.

Moving right along…

At guard, standing 6’10 from the University of Texas, Kevin Durant.

I know what you’re thinking — but KD isn’t a guard!! Listen, KD can play any position on the floor. He has an uncanny ability to handle the ball. His 7’6 wingspan also allows him to shoot over anyone in the Milky Way. Besides, his game has never been defined by his position on a stat sheet. KD is more like a glorified sniper, who totes his Barrett .50 cal wherever he goes. He will undoubtedly have every alien that moves in his crosshairs. My guess is that this matchup nightmare will haunt every alien’s dreams for another 20 years or so. Clearly a no-brainer to crack this starting lineup, assuming he’s visited the Wizard of Oz and gained a heart after his Western Conference meltdown.

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Ever wonder why Tayshaun Prince can’t shoot anymore? Because Kevin Durant has thrown too many fire daggers through his eyeballs, probably.

At small forward, standing 6’8 from St. Vincent St. Mary’s High School, LeBron James.

I think I speak for most when I say, I like my LeBron James best with a sock in his mouth. As much as I adore his desperate need for attention and zany antics off the court, there is no denying his on-court dominance. Let’s just be clear — this is no Space Jam 2 buffoonery. This is an all-star caliber lineup. We all know LBJ needs a better supporting cast than some looney tunes. He’s clearly not MJ, and on this team he doesn’t need to be. But I digress and like KD, LeBron is as versatile a player as we have in today’s game. Can anyone get to the rim at will, better than this guy? No, the answer is a resounding no. Forget LeBron’s age, his elevator still goes higher than anyone else’s in the league today. Make no mistake about it, LBJ has no problem climbing the ladder and dropping the hammer on your favorite alien’s domepiece. In this heavyweight bout we’ll also need LeBron to bully the foreign intruders with his freaky frame. Can’t be afraid to impose a little will on these guys. On this day we need headband LeBron to bring the ruckus. But if he could bring his physicality, raw athleticism and unyielding two-way play which has made him a tenacious competitor for over a decade that’d be nice too.

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Nobody’s seen or heard from Jason Terry since. If you do spot Jason, we urge you to contact your local authorities. Thoughts and prayers go out to the entire Terry family.

Let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this thing…

At power forward, standing 6’11 from the University of Kentucky, DeMarcus Cousins.

This rematch with the aliens is not for the weak. It’s going to be ugly and at times, downright nasty. Just how we like it, am I right? However, we’ll need someone who’s willing to go into the trenches, to scratch and claw his way to rebounds and loose balls, en route to second chance points. We’ll need someone who will go into the dark corners, and do the dirty work, all for the betterment of the team. This one has DeMarcus Cousins name written all over it. Not to mention, if there’s a brawl, who else would you want to lead with their chin. Nobody, that’s who. Few possess the anger that Boogie demonstrates on a nightly basis. Of course, it’s very safe to assume that if any of these guys are capable of an illegal dick punch, it’d definitely be Boogie.

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Somebody forgot to tell Calderon not to bring Kool-Aid to a grown man party. And when you do bring Kool-Aid to a grown man party, you get a Demarcus all up in your kitchen. You best see your way out, Jose.

And at center, standing 6’10 from the University of Kentucky, Anthony Davis.

As our last line of defense, The Unibrow is someone who will fiercely defend the rim with his life.  This mammoth of a man is an anchor I’d happily attach my ship to. Anthony attacks the rim with no regard for alien life. A master of disaster, an electric factory, a man who will go up, over and through you to bury a bucket. He’s a guy who can chew up a ton of ground at an unequivocal rate to get to where he needs to on the court. Any alien shot attempt better have a return address attached to it, because it’s likely to get sent back when AD is patrolling the paint. It’s worth mentioning that his perimeter game has seen drastic improvement since entering the league — adding yet another long distance threat to this group.

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RIP Omer Asik. Omer was last seen trying to defend his turf, but everybody knows you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. In all seriousness, Omer was a great guy. A happy-go-lucky fellow, who I’m sure made a great neighbor. But stand in Unibrow’s way and you rarely make it out alive. More like Asik and DESTROYED!

To make a long story boring, the aliens certainly have their work cut out versus this starting 5.

Everybody knows the United States runs the basketball-free world.  The aliens think just because there’s no more Toon Squad, there’s no more competition? Slight miscalculation. America is still the hub of the basketball universe. But if there is only thing I’ve learned it’s that, when your enemy makes a mistake, you don’t interrupt them. To make a long story boring, the aliens certainly have their work cut out versus this starting 5.

Twenty years later, nothing’s changed. Well obviously, gas prices have changed, clothing style has changed, hell even music has changed. But this is basketball and there’s only room for one basketball powerhouse in this galaxy. These extraterrestrials need a not-so-friendly reminder.

Nothing to see here, just another galactical win for Team USA by unanimous decision.

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P.S. For any of you “Alien’s Lives Matter” bozos out there — I’m not suggesting any unnecessary violence against them, but understand when you threaten earth’s entire existence, it may come with the territory. Sorry, that’s just where we draw the line.

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